Podcast Episode 229 - 5 Questions to Take You From Fear to Freedom - Question 3 - What Is Your Core Fear?
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What are you afraid of? Like at your core?
Do you fear looking dumb? Or maybe looking weak?
Are you afraid of conflict?
Is failure the worst thing that could happen to you?
Do you need things safe and secure before you can make a decision and move forward?
We’re continuing our series on five questions that will take you from fear to freedom. It’s time to dig to the root of what’s holding you back from being your best self.
Today is for you if…
If you’re tired, looking like you’re about to reach your goals or dreams, and then the other shoe drops.
If you desire a life of significance, but you know something is blocking you from going to the next level.
If you’re ready to shed the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s so you can go from fear to freedom.
Can you name this movie? Duunnn dunnn…duuunnn duun…
Jaws!
If you’re unfamiliar with Jaws, it’s a movie from the 1970s about a giant great white shark terrorizing a little east coast town. I’m still terrified of going more than ankle-deep in the ocean unless I can see the bottom. Thank you, Jamaica, for the serenity of your see-through waters.
What made Jaws so scary?
It’s what you can’t see that scares you.
Our fear works the same way. It’s what we can’t see that scares us.
We all have a core fear that affects how we show up in the world and our ability to be our best selves. It’s lying beneath the surface, your subconscious, waiting to pounce…leaving playing small and running from your dreams.
But when you name your fear, you’ll see it for what it is…a 1970s mechanical shark that can’t hurt you.
When you name your fear, you’ll see it for what it is, and you take away some of its power over you.
Name Your Core Fear:
Fear #1 Fear of Making Mistakes
Fear of making mistakes and being criticized makes you compulsive to perfect yourself, others and the world around you.
Fear #2 Fear Can’t Be Loved For Yourself
Fear you can’t be loved for who you are, so you try to meet the needs of others as their strategy to be loved and appreciated.
Fear #3 Fear of Failure
Fear failure, so you must succeed and avoid failure; ultimately, fear that you aren’t worthy of love if you don’t achieve.
Fear #4 Fear Something’s Missing in You
Fear something is missing in you that everyone else has, and if you aren’t unique and special, people won’t see or accept you.
Fear #5 Fear Looking Incompetent
Fear looking incompetent and are afraid you don’t have enough inner resources to meet the demands of people and projects. So to protect yourself from a scary world, you arm yourself with information and isolation.
Fear #6 Fear the World Isn’t a Safe Place
Fear the world isn’t a safe place; you suffer from pre-traumatic disorder.
You need to feel safe, secure and supported and use this anxiety to prepare for anything.
Fear #7 Fear Pain and Unpleasant Feelings
Fear, pain, and unpleasant feelings. You compulsively look to the next great activity, event or idea to avoid the pain, negativity and boredom.
Fear #8 Fear Looking Weak or Vulnerable
Fear looks weak and vulnerable, so you show up with strength and control.
Fear #9 – Fear of Losing Connection
Fear of losing connection with others so you merge with the agendas of others to avoid the conflict that might cause disconnection. You’ve got to keep your inner and outer world harmonious and peaceful.
Which fear is yours?
Which one hits you at the core?
Fear makes you go, “Ugh, that’s me.”
If you’re unsure, go back to the last episode where you had to uncover “What your fear is telling you?” That story will help you expose your core fear.
If you’re thinking, “I’m not afraid,” you’re probably experiencing that kind of fear that doesn’t look obvious. Remember, if there is resistance, it’s fear.
If you’re showing up stronger than you need to, so people don’t see you as weak, that’s fear.
If you’re enthusiastically running to the next best thing and the next best thing… that’s fear. Fear is keeping you from finishing, staying with that thing that might get boring or escaping the pain you might experience by sitting in that failure you need to learn some lessons and grow from.
If you feel your need to achieve is just about going to the next level, ask yourself what happens when you stop winning. Do you still feel worthy?
Our core fears run deep, so deep they started in childhood.
For instance, my core fear is #9. Fear of losing connection. It started when my parents separated for three years, beginning in the 4th grade. I started altering how I showed up in the world to avoid conflict. I became what everyone else wanted and merged with others’ agendas to the point I forgot what I really thought, felt and needed.
You might have experienced a childhood where you had to grow up too fast. You suddenly found yourself having to be the parent at 9 or 10 years old. You had to be the strong one because if you weren’t strong, bad things would happen to you or maybe someone you love. That’s a classic example of how you can develop the #8 core fear – The fear of Looking Weak or Vulnerable.
We adapted these fears to keep us safe. They did serve us as little people to survive, but they stopped serving us long ago. You can’t work through an issue until you know what you’re dealing with. Then you can create a plan.
So, you must uncover your core fear to go from fear to freedom. Here’s where it starts.
Homework:
1. Sit down with these nine core fears and choose yours.
Many times it’s the one you’re embarrassed to admit, or your gut sinks thinking that’s you.
You might think, I experience five out of the nine fears. That’s okay; I do too. What your looking for, though, is the dominant fear. The one that goes down to your core. The one that everything circles back to most of the time.
2. Write down two instances of this fear showing up now and twice in your childhood or early twenties.
3. Now, ask yourself why? What caused that fear?
Like mine, it started from how I handled my parent’s separation.